Monday, March 30, 2015

To Thine Own Self Be True

I remember the first time I heard this "To thine own self be true". I was early in recovery for alcoholism and was sitting in a support group meeting trying to make sense out of all the new things I was hearing. Truly it was as if these people were speaking a foreign language. My brain was numb, my thinking slow, and the only emotion I seemed to be able to convey was devastation. My neurons were having trouble connecting to form thoughts. I had a difficult time retaining information. Putting thoughts and feelings into words was too much. Mostly I sat and cried and tried to absorb information.

A topic at a meeting was "To thine own self be true." I thought to myself "what in the hell does that even mean?" People began talking about all the ways in which they were true to themselves. I was completely baffled by the whole concept. For one thing, in order to be true to myself meant I had to KNOW who myself was. That meant I would have to know what my opinions were on certain happenings. In order to have opinions, I would have to have beliefs. And if I had beliefs that would mean that I stood for something. And when you stand for something it means you have a commitment to it. One of my basic methods of operation was to be as non-committal as possible. I couldn't be committed to anything because I wanted to be able to have my time as free as possible for drinking. And if I wasn't drinking I would most certainly be hung-over. When you live your life avoiding commitments you really miss out on developing your SELF.

I also had developed the tool of taking on the beliefs of whoever I was spending time with. We all know this as "being a chameleon". I didn't take the time to develop my own personality, so I would borrow whoever's I was with at the time. If you believed in Christianity, so did I. If you didn't, neither did I. You believed in abortion? Me too. Oh, you don't believe in abortion? Me either. There's a beautiful walking trail along the river you enjoy? I love that trail too! Lying goes hand in hand with being a chameleon.

So as I start my self discovery work in sobriety I have to start getting down to brass tacks on who exactly do I think I am. I am grateful for the endless amount of questions my sponsor asked me and for the extensive "homework" she held me accountable for. A day at a time over a period of five years my "self" emerged. It's a process that I am amazed over. My goal is life pre-sobriety was to never really know who "I" was. I remember at times I would look into the mirror and into my own eyes. I could only stand to do it for a few seconds before the awareness of an inner "me" became apparent. I would count myself lucky if I never had to get to know that "me". Well, now I know her. And I know her very very well. Not only do I know her, but I love her. She's pretty damn fantastic and sometimes she's a real pain in the ass. She hates being told what to do, she won't conform, and she can have a quick temper. But she also will give every ounce of energy to the people and projects she loves. She's deeply kind. She can be a little lazy, and she seems to not be able to stop procrastinating. But when you look deeper, maybe its not laziness or procrastination. Maybe it's a process of learning to have faith to overcome fear. She is working on dispelling doubt with faith and that's really pretty wonderful. There's so much to learn about myself. There is so much to learn about yourself!

So now I understand how to be true to myself. I am no longer perplexed by that quote. It feels good to be true to me. And when I am not true to me, I can feel it in my gut and my heart and I know it's something I need to correct. When you have turned your life and your will over to the care of God as you understand him, you feel uncomfortable when you aren't living in accordance to who you are. The reason you feel uncomfortable is because at the point of being out of harmony with yourself, you are also out of harmony with your Higher Power. You are out of sync, things are not clicking. It's not a good feeling. It's like a grinding and halting with some pain. Sometimes some shame or embarrassment.

There is no end to the journey of self-exploration. It's as deep as it is wide. It's up to us how far we want to go. My Higher Power waits for me. He asks me "are you ready to go further?" Even if I say no at first, he waits. He knows I will be along eventually.