Sunday mornings were especially awful. Many Sunday mornings had to be started with a drink simply to get my head to stop buzzing madly and my neurons to start communicating with one another. I simply couldn't even form a thought without a drink. My Friday night and Saturday binging meant I was in terrible shape by the time Sunday rolled around. I remember sitting on my couch, drunk in my living room, while the kids played around me. Looking out my window I would see people walking their dogs, jogging, cutting grass, having a life. I hated them for it and hated myself even more for not being able to something as simple as drive to the grocery store without having a nervous breakdown.
When I was first being introduced to sobriety and the 12 steps my sponsor started to encourage me to make my world bigger. My first assignment was to make a new friend. It took me a year to do it. I was terrified to try and befriend a healthy women. I hadn't made a new friend in years and the last time I had done it the friendship was alcohol based. Two lonely housewives drinking away nights in my kitchen while our husbands worked second shift. But I kept at it and eventually I secured a friendship with a sober artist in my homegroup. She was a mother of four, just like me! My world got a little bigger. She came over to help me pack when I was divorcing. She helped me through a very difficult break up of a relationship. She encouraged me to follow my dreams. She set an example of how to do that by stepping out into the world of art with her work. I am grateful for her and her friendship to this day.
My next order of business to make my world larger was to take some classes to update my skills for the workforce. I attended my community college for some office assistant classes. It was very rewarding and I did really well. Turns out I wasn't an idiot like I had feared I was. After that I tackled getting back in the world of work. This turned out to be incredibly challenging for me. I had to work on this skill for a few years. Fear and anxiety and old bad behaviors kept me from excelling. Once I listened to what my higher power was telling me about where I should be focusing my efforts things fell into place. Another expansion of my world!
Driving on the freeway came next. Check! Thanks to my fiance for pushing me and teaching me. After that came flying and navigating an airport. Boom! Done. Another thank you to my fiance. Public speaking....got it. Working in the inner city, completed. Sounds so easy but it was all terrifying and I had to fight against my instinct to run away the whole time.
This last weekend we went to Atlanta, GA. While Scott worked I was going to explore the city a bit. I started the day by walking to Peachtree Station for some shopping. It was a really windy day. I was cold so I bought a poncho and some new shoes. I picked up key chains for souvenirs for my kiddos. Then I stopped for some lunch before walking to Centennial Park. While there I stopped to take some photos of the Olympic fountains and reflected on the bombing during the Olympics. I walked over to the Coca-Cola museum and gardens. Then I bought myself a ticket for the Georgia Aquarium. What a place! It was majestic and beautiful. All the creatures I saw were so intriguing. I wished my kids were there with me to see it! The dolphin show was so breathtaking. The music, fountains, lights, and dolphins told a story of a ship lost at sea. The dolphins saved the ship and it's captain. Wonderful!
As I left the aquarium and started walking back to the hotel I decided to ask someone to take a picture of me in front of a large Christmas Tree. I wanted to send it to my sponsor and say hello. As I was sending her the message via text I became overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion. Had it not been for Maggi telling me to make my world bigger, and showing me how to do it, I might still be drunk in my living room hating the people outside of my window. Had it not been for 12 steps and sobriety my world would have kept shrinking away, along with my life. I called Maggi instead and told her through my tears how much I loved her and how large my world had become.