Learning to Be.

Working a recovery program takes tons of effort and energy. It takes time and commitment. When we first come into recovery we put everything we have into it. Well, if we are serious about getting sober anyways. It's true what they teach us, we get out of it what we put into it. At first I hardly put in any effort at all. I showed up to several meetings a week. But that was all I did. Of course I ended up not being able to stay sober on that action so I had to take more. Then I couldn't stay sober on that so I had take even more action. And then I drank again and again and again. I don't call them relapses, I call it trying to get sober. So even further action had to be taken. Eventually, I had to resort to doing everything the program suggested. I went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, prayed in the morning, and prayed in the evening. I said thank you to a higher power I didn't understand for keeping me sober for the day. I asked that same higher power to keep me sober the next morning when I woke up. I changed people, places, and things. And I got sober! One year, two years, three years, four years, five years. So much work and so much change. And so much gratitude

Steps six and seven are my favorite steps, They are my most important steps, the foundation of my program after step three. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. Keeping my side of the street clean. Taking out my garbage. Believing I can be different and then acting as if I am. There were a lot of defects that needed to be dealt with. I wanted a different life, so I had to change. While God is changing me, it's my responsibility to act as if I am changed. This takes a lot of courage and major dependence on my higher power. When I am not strong enough Jesus is my strength. If I do not have the courage I need, Jesus is my courage. If I don't have the patience I need, Jesus, lend me your patience. I do believe it is in step six and seven that I learn to depend entirely on Jesus to supply me with what I need.

However, there is another lesson in six and seven that I have just recently had experience with. It came to me over a few months worth of work over a particular situation that seemed to keep requiring me to "look at my part in it." I kept looking at my character defects and then following the steps to cooperate with Jesus as much as I could while he worked with me. My progress was slow to say the least and at times felt non-existent. Nothing seemed to be getting better and I was starting to be filled with self-loathing. I talked to my sponsor and to some program people about what I was experiencing. I tried all of the suggestions to aid in getting this problem under control.I wanted so badly to behave differently but I kept acting exactly how I didn't want to act! In Romans 7:15 Paul says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do.But what I hate I do. If Paul struggled enough with his behavior to talk about it in the Bible, then it goes to show that it is a basis of human-ness. Paul, who was greatly inspired daily by the presence of Jesus Christ and was undergoing drastic changes to become more like Jesus, struggled with shortcomings!

During one of my morning meditations after my bible reading I was talking to God about my behavior. I surrendered it all to him, and myself to him, again. Desperation to be different was permeating from my being and I got a clear message. "Just Be.". Followed by "Stop." I was really surprised and it reminded me of "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

God reminded me of all the other times I had made changes in my life. How slow the progress had seemed. How often had I felt that he wasn't even hearing my prayers. How many times and I been desperate and scared? How many other times had I felt like I couldn't bear my life for one more day, living it the way it was. And I had been delivered through each and every one of those situations. Nothing stays the same forever! Change happens.  But it happens one moment at a time. Not even one day at a time, one moment at a time. God is going before me, making my paths straight. That takes time. Changing hearts takes time. I had done what I could, the rest was up to God. It was a welcome relief to rest in the presence of God. I was exhausted from forcing change that wasn't meant to be yet.

Sometimes the best way to cooperate with the changes God is making in us is to "JUST BE." There is true freedom in that. "Be STILL." Let God do his work.