Friday, February 5, 2016

The place within

There is a place inside I often go to hide. Upon the start of a new day, I fight to stay in that place. I want to retreat and not get up and face the planet. The tug of war begins in my mind. "Get up! You can't lay in bed; you cannot retreat today! You have responsibilities and challenges that you have to overcome. Don't let fear win! Come on, fight!!!" This is the voice of logic, the brain. The science of logical thinking. But wherever there is logic, emotion is never far behind. Emotion says, "You are tired. Take a day to yourself. Relax. Humans are not meant for grueling endless days of pushing yourself so hard." An observer of my thoughts, I can see both of their points. Yes, I have to fight. I have to face fear. I have to challenge myself. BUT I am tired. It's been a lot of work and I have so many things vying for my attention. I would like, just for one day, to choose where my attention goes. Can I just for today do what I want to do?! The choice to get up or not get up shouldn't be so difficult. But for me, it is.

When you suffer from depression and anxiety you always have to weigh out and determine whether you are partaking in self-care or escapism. Being tired is a real symptom of depression. Not just tired, but bone tired. Exhausted. So sometimes self-care means rest, sleep, retreating. Never getting out of your pajamas for the entire day and sleeping so your body and brain can repair and rejuvenate. 

On other days though, retreating is dangerous. It will add to your depression and isolation. You wake up and think you need to stay home and sleep. But when you follow that course, you find you feel guilty, and you start to judge yourself as being "bad" or a "loser" or "hopeless". What began as you thinking it was going to be a day of self-care turns into a day of self-hate. And self-hate has a way of snowballing fast.

This is something I have suffered with for so many years. As long as I can remember. Only recently was I able to see the connection between depression and this behavior, this resistance to life. I went to a support meeting and laid it out on the table to these women how horribly I was struggling and how much I hated my behavior and myself for not being able to stop this dialog I had to go thru daily with myself just to make a move in one direction or another. 

A wonderful thing happened at that meeting. It was as if each woman there held up a mirror. I saw myself in each one of them. My story was their story. My challenge was their challenge. They each opened up about their struggles with the same thing. We shared in the same pain, the same tears, the same fears, and the same challenges.  I left that meeting feeling loved, accepted, and understood. I left that meeting feeling at peace with myself.

Will I still struggle with this inner dialog? Yes. Certainly. I already have since the meeting. But I learned a few things.

1. Don't judge your feelings as good or bad. They just ARE. Of course Eckhart Tolle and Don Miguel Ruiz, along with others, have been saying this for years. But I am finally internalizing this and putting into my Nowcovery program. Be the outside observer without judgement.

2. Acceptance. This goes along with not judging your feelings. Radical Acceptance is a tool I am finding works in almost any situation! Everything is as it is. There is no "should" or "I wish it wasn't this way". Everything is just as it is. Not good. Not Bad. Just IS.

3. I can't do nowcovery alone. I need people. My group saved me that night.

4. Surrender. I heard a quote once, and I wish I could remember the source. The words in quotations are not my own. "Immediately and without hesitation, submit to the changes your higher power is trying to make in you." I don't always know what those changes are. That's okay. What I can do to cooperate is totally surrender. Hand over the pain, hand over the fight, hand over the struggle, hand over the depression, hand over the outcome. God cannot take it from me. I have to give it to him. As long as I hold on to it, he can't take it from me. That's because of free will. I am holding on to those things for a reason. There is some kind of perceived pay off that I think I am getting by holding on to it. God is waiting to give me grace and healing, but I have to give him my pain first. By letting go of the outcome, I am accepting God's perfect plan for my life. When I am within
God's plan I feel peaceful and happy. I feel sure of myself.

 Perhaps God is able to take my depression and use it for good, into drawing me closer to him. When I turn to the place within for Sanctuary, I have to make sure I ask God to meet me there.


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