Friday, July 22, 2016

"practice these principles in all our affairs". ie, walk your talk

Have you ever spent so much time with someone that you think you know them and their reactions really well? For example, a co-worker. We spend many hours a week with our coworkers and we see them perform under some very stressful situations. We see the best of their behavior when a project comes together smoothly, or the team is really cooperating well, or the day is flowing along without any chaos. And we also see the worst of their behavior, when none of the above is happening, and road blocks are popping up in all of the days activities. Seeing so much of our coworkers really leads us to believe that we know them quite well. The same can be said for people we spend time with in recovery meetings. Perhaps we have spent years sitting at the tables with the same core group of people and have seen these people go through all of the ups and downs of life. Sometimes, we have spent tens or hundreds of hours with these people, and we can practically know what they are going to say about a topic before they even speak. We KNOW them. Or do we?

How well can we ever really know another person? All we can go with is what they present to us. WE aren't in their heads, we can't read their thoughts, and we don't see their behavior when they are alone. Its safe to say we don't know everything there is to know even about the people that we are involved in intimate relationships with. So, really knowing someone we work with, or go to meetings with is an even further stretch. We all play roles, it's a part of being human, it's a part of having a personality. Roles of wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. And we all have professional roles we play. Managers, accountants, waitresses, nurses, doctors, counselors, custodians etc. My idea of the role of a wife, may be completely different than your idea of that role. We will play our roles differently. Based upon our life experience, and our wants and needs, everyone chooses how to play their roles. 

But there is a big difference between playing a role, and lying about who we are and what we do. Most professional roles don't mix well with swearing like a sailor. So, at work, we don't swear a lot, or out loud, or in meetings. But outside of work, maybe we swear like crazy! Loudly! Not swearing at work doesn't make us fake or a liar. We just know that to be successful in our work role, swearing is not appropriate. 

However, sitting at the tables and talking about how honest we are, while outside of the meetings we sell stolen merchandise out of the trunk of our car, is lying. Talking in meetings about how much we have learned to respect others, while outside of meetings we talk about everyone behind their backs and spread gossip, is lying. Claiming to be responsible people now, but aren't even opening the bills up when they come, is lying. If I am sitting in a meeting, talking about how I behave now that I am in recovery, you should be able to recognize me outside of the meetings. My words should be matching my behavior outside of the meeting. In other words, I should be walking my talk. And if I am not, that means I am not trustworthy. And that is unacceptable for us if we want to stay sober. 

Getting real with ourselves, and listening to what we say we do and comparing it to what we actually do, is part of our daily inventory. When we catch those inconsistencies, we need to either adjust our behavior, or we need to get real with our speech and stop pretending we are recovered where we are not. I know how my disease works. It grows off of shame, and I really work hard to not give myself things to be shameful about. Walking my talk, and practicing these principles in ALL of my affairs is the tool I use for that. 

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