If I am helping, why are they still using?

You are lying awake at 3am waiting for you 24 year old son to get home. You haven't been able to sleep from worry because he borrowed your car at 8:00 pm to give his girlfriend a ride home from work. He swore he would be back by 10:00pm, but here it is five hours past 10pm and he hasn't answered your calls or texts. You are SEETHING because you specifically paid his phone bill so he could look for work properly and keep in touch with you on his whereabouts. 

Where is he?! It's torturous as you picture all the terrible things that could be happening to him. Was he in a terrible wreck? Did one of the dealers he owes money to catch up to him? Was he arrested for possession again? Another theft charge? Worse yet, is he in the hospital or laying in a ditch dead, or injured in pain? 

 You think about how you have to work in the morning and how tired you are going to be. But you know you have to go to work, because you used up all of your PTO taking your son to his PO and counseling appointments.

 Suddenly, you hear a car pull up and loud voices in the driveway, along with laughing and swearing. There's a car door slamming and your son stumbles through the front door and faceplants onto the couch. You jump out of bed to confront him, really angry now because he was out laughing and having fun and where the hell is your car anyways?! You launch into a line of questioning, but he just mumbles incoherently. You think you hear him say something about taking a chill pill.  He reeks of a blend of cigarettes, booze, and weed.

Does this sound familiar? Is this something you have gone through recently with your son, husband, wife, daughter, or another loved one? If so, let me first say, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's terribly scary, lonely, and maddening. Let me also tell you that there is help out there and that you do not have to live in this craziness. You do have choices and options. There are things that you can do to make your life better. Simple things, but not easy things. 

Because these are not easy things to do you need support while you do them. Trust me, these things will seem so cruel and so hard. Every fiber of your being will tell you to NOT do these simple things. And your loved one will scream at you to not do them as well. But, here's the thing, they are really not cruel things to do. They are lifesaving techniques that are evidenced based at encouraging sobriety and change in your loved one. 

 Think about this scenario. Let's pretend your loved one is climbing a very tall pine tree. There are several branches for them to use as leverage and "steps" to climb. You are watching from below and you are nervous but the climb seems easy enough and you know they can get down because they have all the branches to use. 

Here and there, they slip and land on the branch directly below them.  Thank God those branches are there to save them from plunging straight out of the tree and into the ground below! Some slips and falls from the branches are a bit higher and harder than others, which are just short distances.  You wince a bit but your climber gains confidence as they master the branches and their distances.

 As they climb you begin to notice that some of the branches seem to actually be in their way, making the climb harder to maneuver. As they struggles around them sometimes the branches even scratch , or poke their face, often even drawing blood. They begin to really have a hard time, but they want to continue the climb because they wants to see the view from the treetop, and they are determined. But you hate seeing them get poked and bloody. Suddenly you have a great idea! You remember you have a long handled tree pruner in the garage! You run to get it, and you see that you can prune away some of the obstacle branches for your climber, making the climb easier! Now they won't need to get bloody and poked! 

The climber see's that yes, actually the climbing is so much easier without so many branches! They can see that all those branches were a pain to maneuver over and asks you to continue to cut, so you gladly do to help.  But you start to tire, your arms are getting sore from holding that pruner up! You have to grab a ladder and keep having to climb up higher to reach the branches. You probably shouldn't be up this high, you think, but your climber needs you to make the climb easier, so you suffer through it. 

As you cut the branches, you get smacked in the face with some of them when they fall. They start to cut your face, and your arms. You get banged up, and you almost get knocked off the ladder. You tell the climber they will have to continue on without the pruner but they say, No! They need you to keep helping now because they can't do it without your help.

 Reluctantly you continue, but now you are getting mad. A large branch comes down and hits your ladder and makes it sway quickly to the side and you have a close call with tumbling off. Your climber says not to worry, they are almost high enough. You tell them, forget it, just take the pruner yourself!! The climber thinks that's a great idea and prunes away and continues to climb to the top. You worry too much is being cut away and that the wrong branches are being removed and you tell them to stop pruning, but they won't. Your climber clears away all the small and medium size branches as you beg them to stop! You are afraid there's not enough branches for them to climb down. You yell to tell them to lower the pruner down and to stop climbing, this view isn't worth it. They just laugh at your worry and insistence.

 You are angry, sore, and a bit bloody. Your heart is pounding hard as you watch. Suddenly, they lose their step. Your climber falls and flails their arms and legs, reaching for branches to save them. But the two of you have cut away so many branches that there is nothing to break the fall or catch them. They plummet to the ground with a sickening and possibly deadly thud. You scream and cry and curse that you ever brought out the pruner or encouraged them to climb. 

You see, we all have to climb. And there are obstacles in the way for good reason. To keep us safe, to keep us from climbing too high to fast, to make us stronger, and to keep us from falling. So, every time you pay their cell phone bill, borrow the car to them, pay for another rehab, call them in sick for work, or make excuses for them, you are pruning away the life saving measures that are in place for them, so they have a better chance of not dying. 

I can help you determine which branches to keep, and which to cut. Pruning is hard work, and painful. I will be there for you along the way. 

That first drink

I live in the midwest and yesterday was unseasonably warm for the beginning of November. The sun was shining and there was a warm breeze. Most of the leaves have fallen here, but there are still some pops of color here and there. I spent an afternoon hiking with my kids and soaking up every bit of vitamin D that I could get. After hiking I drove home through downtown and noticed a group of people outside of a cafe in town. They were sitting around a table full of drinks, there was laughter and smiling, as music spilled out from the open door of the cafe. All of a sudden I wanted to be sitting there with them. I wanted to be sipping a drink in the sunshine. I wanted to have an afternoon of drinks and funny conversation! I let my mind play back over great times with great friends I have had in the past. So many comical experiences and so many laughs! This ran through my mind for about two minutes. I played with the thought that maybe when my kids are grown and I am in retirement I could start to drink again, and enjoy that freedom once more! 

Suddenly, a phrase came into my head that I have heard thousands of times around the tables. "It's the first drink that gets us drunk." The reality of that statement struck me right in the center of my truth. For people who abuse alcohol, it's that very first drink that gets us in trouble. The ones that follow don't help either, but if I don't take that first drink, I won't get drunk! It's almost too simple. 

So, I had to reframe the picture I had in my mind of the jovial time I could have with friends sitting around the cafe table in the sunshine.  Because the initial vision was not reality. The reality is I would have a good time for a few minutes with my friends. But I wouldn't sip my drink, as they do. I would slam the drink and then at least two more in quick succession to make up for the years of lost time. My focus wouldn't be on the conversation, it would be on how could I order another drink without them thinking poorly of me. I would pretend to have to go in to use the bathroom so I could quickly down a drink inside before anyone missed me. Soon, I would be talking to loudly, getting to emotional, and possible offending people. As my friends would be getting up to go home to their families and responsibilities, I would be blowing mine off and heading to the next place to find companions who drank the same way as me. And God only knows where this would end, or if it ever would end again. Illness would follow, both mental and physical. 

And why would all of this happen? Because I am allergic to alcohol and cannot consume it in ANY level. Not one drink, and not 20 drinks. It's the FIRST drink that gets me in trouble. If I don't pick that drink up, I won't have 20. If I do pick it up, I am toast. 

Can you hear?

Do you trust your Higher Power? Do you hear it? How often do you listen to your inner prompting? Are you attuned to your intuition? 

When we are using alcohol or other drugs that voice gets drowned out. We either can't hear it because we are practically comatose or because endorphins are rushing through our brain and we are moving along a million miles an hour. I used substances so that I wouldn't have to hear that voice at all. Not only did I not want to hear the voice, but I didn't want to catch a glimpse of an inner knowing by looking in the mirror, into my own eyes. I cannot tell you how many people I have heard in recovery groups say the same thing. It's a common thing, a characteristic of addiction. Eventually though, I would come out of my drunken state, and lay awake in my bed in the deep of the night, and I would feel the terror creep over me, the knowledge that I was ignoring my Higher Power, the fear of what was going to happen if I continued to do so. 

After we put down the substances, and our brain heals, and our heart starts to beat again, the voice is still there. We can hear it again, we can feel it again, the inner promptings. 1 Kings 19:11-13 talks about God's voice being a "still small voice". Elijah was standing in the midst of tornado style winds and an earthquake. But it was not in the storm that God was, but in the silence. God used the storm to get my attention, but I had to get quiet to hear his voice. And I believe that is how it works with our Higher Power. 

I wish I knew that answer as to why we ignore that voice. It has pained me my whole life. I have come to some sort of an understanding that for me, it is a rebellious act. However, why I feel like I have to rebel, I don't know! Rebelling against my creator is futile. It's like a Honey Bee refusing to pollinate. The bee starves and the flowers don't produce fruit. Same thing happens when I ignore my Higher Power and rebel against his plan for my life. I starve spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally, and socially. My life bears no fruit. 

The decision to listen to your inner prompting can be scary. But truly, the SAFEST place to be is in God's will. This is why, in my opinion, step three of the 12 steps is a turning point. If you do step three in earnest things will change for you. Suddenly you have tapped into the power supply and you can do things that you haven't been able to do before. You will no longer be able to take shortcuts that you took previously, because God takes the wheel and steers you onto new paths. 

Listen to the still small voice, trust, have faith, take action. Life is too short and too beautiful to not be living your purpose. 

NOWCOVERY. What is it and how do I get it?

• Are you miserable with your life? 
• Do you wake up feeling helpless and hopeless? 
• Do you feel fatigued most of the time? 
• Do you have a sense that something is wrong in your relationship, but you can't quite put your finger on what the problem is? 
• Is your financial life in a shambles? 
• Have you been suffering from physical ailments recently? Like irritable bowel syndrome, migraines, and over-all aches and pains? 
• Do you find that you are asking yourself if you drink or use other drugs too much? 
• Are other people telling you that your use is out of control? 
• Would you say that you are not suicidal, but wouldn't mind if your life somehow just came to an end? 
• Are you irritable and angry? 
• Do you see life as something that you wish you didn't have to endure? 
• Is it hard for you to remember a time in your life that you felt safe, happy, and secure? 
• Was your childhood traumatic? 
• Do you feel like life has been an endless amount of problems and work without any reward? 

NOWCOVERY may be the answer for you. I have found in my journey of getting healthier that by incorporating certain techniques I was successful and gaining sobriety and happiness. My life had not ever really felt fulfilling. I had always suffered from depression and anxiety. My childhood was marked with feelings of fear, loneliness, and underachievement. That had carried through into all of my adulthood until I started down the road of what I learned to refer to as wellbriety. For me, getting sober wasn't enough. I had to completely change my life, who I was, how I thought, and what I believed about myself. NOWCOVERY became my answer because there really wasn't anything I wanted to REcover. 

Through meditation, mindfulness, a relationship with my creator, and self inventories I became so much more aware of what I could and couldn't control. I was able to make decisions and take action (not reaction) based upon what outcome I needed to have. The outcome I ALWAYS NEED TO HAVE is sobriety, serenity, and peace. The process of NOWCOVERY allows that to happen more frequently. You CAN change how you think, feel, and react. 

Please contact me at http://www.freedom2b.net/ for a discussion on what NOWCOVERY is and how it could work for you. Of course this session is free of charge. 

Listen to the voice within

Listen to the voice within. It's that voice that is nudging you awake at night with anxiety. It might approach you as a fear of something bad coming for you, but you don't know what it is. It may be a constant underlying feeling of discomfort or discontent. We all have experienced that voice at one time or another in our lives. Each of us has our own ways of trying to quiet that voice or turn it down or off. My favorite way to turn that voice off was alcohol. Sometimes food or shopping. Whatever I tried to use to quiet it never kept it silenced for long. Nowcovery truly begins when you start listening to that voice. You say to yourself "something is wrong, I am not sure what it is. But I am going to find out." That takes courage.

The voice may sound like your own voice. But it's not. It's the voice of your creator. Each of us were created by design. We are not the way we are by accident. We were created to fulfill a particular purpose. And the even more wonderful news is when we are living IN our purpose, or ON purpose we are HAPPY. Even more than that we are fulfilled.

As we begin to make choices in life that take us out of our design our creator starts trying to get our attention. He starts allowing things to happen that are difficult situations for us to handle. Some of these things are painful. They cause us great emotional turmoil. The more we ignore the voice the more difficult the consequences become. This isn't out of hate from our creator, he is not a terrorist. He knows we will truly be our happiest when we are living the life we were created to live. He is redirecting.

So, If you have been having these experiences it means you are being presented with an opportunity. Truly everything that you want is on the other side of two things, Fear and surrender. Are you willing to start considering a possibility of living a different way? If so, you are on the brink of nowcovery. I encourage you to take a deep breath and open up the door to true freedom.

Tracy Kiesler
Freedom 2B